B.i.T.t.E.r.S.w.E.e.t

Assalamualaikum wbt..

It's been a while since i last updated my blog..

Just now, I log into my Friendster (yg dh lama bersawang), and i noticed one unread message sent to me since, say, more than 6 months ago?

Well, who was it from?

It's my primary school friend. A friend of 4 years. (Darjah 2, 3, 5, 6.. well at that time we still have PTS)

Honestly my primary school isn't an interesting topic to talk about.

Have u ever watch @ read about a nerdy - country bumpkin - who - constantly - being - bullied - by - others?

Well fellas, that's me.. (gosh, tears starting to well up)

When I was a six-grader, I got "promoted" to an elite class. (We used to have double standards for students with different level. I bet our education system still have it now). The so called "promotion" separated me from my dear friends. Being clueless in my new "elite class", I tried to make friends with my classmates. But everything went wrong. I don't know whether it was because my inability or lack of creativity to make friends, or perhaps they were just too elite to be my friend. (You see, my father was a mere taxi driver back then, and my classmates parents are all profs, teachers and docs..)

You may think that such bullying doesn't exist, but hey, it happened to me! For real!

So since I couldn't make friends with them (and since I can't hang out constantly with my old friends), I go to the last resort --> the teachers.

But hey, I'm not the type of person who'll complaint about other's wrongdoings and smearing other's reputation.

So what did I do with the teachers?

I befriended them. Why? Because I hope that when I'm in good terms with teachers, I could make friends with my classmates.

But the plan backfires.

It's just fair to say that being a favourite student doesn't make you a favourite friend either (oh wait, I'm just a mere classmate to them, aren't I?

But you see, I was being "used" the whole year by my class. How? Let's put it this way : My elite friends, ironically, are the troublemakers in the school. So whenever teachers get angry with them, I will be sent to apologize. Call me fool, people. I admit that I was a fool. I was just too desperate to be accepted as part of their "society".

I didn't remember how many times I cried in silence for all the things that happened to me. Why was school is so horrible? The only thing that makes me go to school everyday is because of the teachers and my mom (and also my dad, to prove myself to him. That's off topic). Do you wonder who stood up for me when I was bullied? It was my younger sister, a sister whom I have a constant fight with. Yep, I was such a weakling that I couldn't talk back whenever I'm being bullied. That was me, the old me.

My mom used to say that although I never tell her about my problems, she knows it, all this while. She says that my "experience" during primary school - particularly 6th grade - molds my personality.

Yep, I know.

I have a hard look, I have a serious expression, I constantly glaring although I don't mean to, I don't smile, and I'm unapproachable.

All these were initially my defense mechanism for the bullyings that yet to come in my high school life. And believe me, I think I survived because of that.

But unfortunately, these "defense mechanism" slowly turn to become my trait.

Particularly towards XY creatures (no offense, friends). I can't help myself being serious and stern to them whenever they are around. And sometimes towards my XX friends too. But I tried to change myself for better, to make me fit enough in the real world. I tried, and still am.

So, I'd like to :

1. apologize to those who might have been hurt by me (be it my words @ actions), for whatever reason. I'm trully sorry.

2. ask whether should I keep in contact with those people in my primary school life? Because if it comes to my un-common-sense, I'd like to forget everything, although they are trying hard to re-connect with me. (aish.. macam nak berpatah arang lah pulak)

3. If someone from my primary school happen to read this, and think that I was and am wrong, please let me know.

4. If someone not related to my primary school life but would like to spill their thoughts, please have your space. I need an advice for the resentment I harbour for years.

p/s : this is the most honest post I've made about myself, I think. There are lots of emotion. (aww cheesy la pulak), and I don't think that I'll be able to put such post again.