pain is a part of growing up

"Gagal sekali, bukan bermakna gagal selama-lamanya"
Ever heard of that?
It WAS my favourite quote (when I WAS back in school)
Ahh.. The innocence of childhood and teenhood.
I was too young, too idealistic back then, or perhaps, too optimistic(?)
Sebab? Jarang menghadapi kegagalan.
"Gagal sekali, bukan bermakna gagal selama-lamanya"
Kalau gagal berkali-kali? Macam mana?
Won't it be the sign that the thing I'm doing and working for right now is never meant to be my fate?
That perhaps I chose the wrong path?
That perhaps I should stop?
Perhaps I should turn my way back?


Baik, kenapa entri Cik Diyana sangat-sangat negatif pada kali ini?
Bad news, peeps.
I failed.
Gagal.
I know, it's not the end of the world yet.
Sangat tahu. Sangat faham.
Sebab ini bukan perkara biasa bila belajar di sini.
Semua orang rasa benda yang sama.
In fact.
I feel nothing right now.
Mental and emotional numbness.
Disebabkan dah terlalu banyak menghadapi mehnah & cabaran sedemikian rupa, dah tak tahu nak rasa apa.
As if my feelings have been drained out of myself.
Pasrahkah?
I was too calm when I accepted the failure. As if I lost hope.
No tears at all, just a lifeless sigh.
I was emotionally numbed, till I saw that tears.
My dear friend's tears when she learns about my failure.
I was emotionally numbed, till I heard her voice talking to me.
My dear sister's tone when she learns about my failure.
It made me realized that at this faraway land, I should be thankful that I have these precious people to be my crutches and pillars.
Jazakillah Sab, sebab menangis untuk kami.
Jazakillah Kak Alia, kerana kata-kata akak sentiasa menenangkan saya, dan mengingatkan betapa sebenarnya saya kuat kerana dipilih untuk diuji.
Jazakumullah semua, kerana sentiasa berada di sisi. 
Terkadang rasa kalian lebih dekat dari keluarga sendiri. 
Kalian sebahagian daripada saya, 
dan saya sebahagian daripada kalian.




These words are for my present and future self 
(should my future self encounter the same thing again)
Dearest self, these were the things you asked. 
Now listen to the answers.
Kalau gagal berkali-kali? Macam mana?
Won't it be the sign that the thing I'm doing and working for right now is never meant to be my fate?
Says who? Lot's of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
Would you like to be those people? 
Persevere just a bit.
That perhaps I chose the wrong path?
When Allah made you choose something, He is with you, and He will always be with you along the way, as long as you believe in Him. 
Him being always with you, what more could you ask for?
That perhaps I should stop?
Yes, you should stop once in a while. Take a breather. 
Perhaps I should turn my way back?
Yes, do turn around. But don't walk back. 
Just turn around. 
And reflect.


p/s 1 : Yikes. My future self might be embarrassed to read this entry again. This post might get deleted anytime. It is written when I was overwhelmed with emotion.
p/s 2 : Called mak today. Told her that perhaps I'm coming home before taking the next exam, and she asked, "bile akak nak balik? esok?" 
[Myself, "uh-oh,makbuatlawak" (dalam hati)], 
and I answered her, "Mak, orang balik ni bukan naik bas transnasional boleh beli tiket balik esok terus," 
Mak gelak =), Sab yang tengah mendengar pun gelak sama.